


I loved him more

by Naughtyavengers



Category: avengers end game - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Feelings don’t always change their mind, Hurt, Loss, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-07-19 21:21:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19980682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naughtyavengers/pseuds/Naughtyavengers
Summary: Tony only slips up once





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will have multiple chapter and the explicit will be in later chapters

Seven years and almost six months since Tony Laid in Steve Arms after Steve made love to him. Tony could swear some days he could still feel Steve in him especially at night even when Pepper was by side him. 

Yes he loved Pepper and Morgan was his life He was happy with his life In the that Cabin in the wood. He had found peace with his small family or so he thought. 

Seeing Steve that morning as he pulled up with The old crew or what was left of them. They wanted his help and tony said that he won’t risk his daughter’s existence to bring those that were gone back. Tony put on a happy face but Steve was so close that tony could smell cologne the one that Tony got him on there one year anniversary He knew it was probably wasn’t the same one but still Steve was still wearing and tony wonder if it was on purpose.  
Cause one sniff of it and Tony was back in his arms dancing around his lab when Steve pulled him away that night because tony was gonna go cross eyed and needed a break. Tony can still hear the music playing, feel Steve Arms in his lower back and Taste the coffee when Steve lend in for a kiss. 

“Fuck!” Tony shouted a little while later as he throws something across the room. Why’d did Steve still have this control over him. It wasn’t fair! Why was still hurting when he did nothing wrong. He was nothing but a good boyfriend and wanted to keep the Avengers together, wanted to keep He and Steve together.

“Tony?” Pepper asked when he heard the mug smashing across the living room floor. Morgan was asleep and didn’t hear the swear that past her fathers mouth. 

“I am sorry. I ....” was still in love with Steve and one look from him was all it took for Tony to drift back to the past. “They just got my all wounded up....”

“Especially Steve ?” Pepper said as he came up behind him and ran her fingers through his hair. It relaxes him slightly He felt bad that he was thinking about Steve when he was with Pepper. Why did he have this hold over him?  
“I shouldn’t. I know. “ Tony replied while lending back into her embrace. She just nodded her head in understanding. 

“You loved him. I understand.” She said as she walked away from him. “He hurt you. “

More than you know. Tony thought as he put his hand on his stomach where life was. Two month and four days the doctor said when tony came in with cramps that ripped through him. Tony doesn’t remember much after that just that the tears and he is pretty certain he destroyed his Lab. The doctor told him blunt force trauma caused it. Steve ...Steve killed his baby. 

“Tony?” Pepper’s voice shocked him out of His memory. Tony habd was still on his stomach suddenly feeling very empty. All he wanted was a child to carry. Since he was a little boy and found out that he could.  
Yes tony loved Morgan more than his live. She was his world, his everything but his mind often went to the one he lost. He would say dream about what he or she look liked. Would he or she would have his brown hair or Steve blonde. Blue eyes or brown? 

“I am gonna go take a shower.” Tony said pulling back from Pepper. She just kissed the top of his head and told him she would be in their room tony wondered if Pepper knew that Tony loved Steve more than her. 

-  
The water was to hot and was burning his skin but it distracted him from his racing thoughts and The emptiness that he was feeling. He has already empty his lunch in the shower and now as he sat on the shower floor Curled up with his knees to his chest. Fucking Steve! He hated him except he loved him. Loved him with everything in him. 

Standing up when once again his lunch came up, bending over he threw up and watched it escape down the drain. His hand in the cool tile letting the hot water fall down his naked body. Seven years and six months and Steve still held his heart.


	2. Chapter 2

“Why the long face ? Let me guess he turned into a baby.” Tony voice was surprisingly calm despite his heart beating outta of his chest. Steve was right there with arm reach and tony wanted nothing to pull Steve close and right everything.

“Among other things.” Steve said with a look that told Tony that he was having the same internal crisis. A part of tony was glad that Steve was just as affected as Tony was. 

They exchanged a few words and Tony returned the shield to Steve because it belonged to him along with Tony’s heart but he couldn’t just handed that over. 

“Would you keep that quiet. I didn’t bring one for the whole team.” Tony makes a joke as he reaches out to touch Steve’s shoulder and it burns Like Fire. Tony retreats his hand as quickly. 

“Tony....”

“Don’t! Steve don’t! “ Tony voice is laced with venom. He didn’t want to hear how Sorry Steve was, how he wished things had turned different. Tony didn’t need to hear that not when things were so fucked between them. Not when Tony lost their children at the hands of Steve. 

“Tony. Let me!”

“Let you what Steve ? Explain how you tore my heart through my chest and did a jig on it ? I loved you more than you know! I wanted to fix things Steve! I wanted to keep the Avengers together. I wanted to keep us together! “ yep so much for keeping this civil. Once the dam broke it broke and tony was soon in Steve’s face pushing him against the wall shove by shove . “I know about you and Barnes! I know you fucked him on that helicarrier! You know if you wanted to fuck Him make sure I don’t have access to the security footage. I watched it because I wanted to see you because I missed you and you know what I saw? “

“Tony. I didn’t mean....” Steve tried to explain himself and tony didn’t want to hear it.   
“To what? Have your dick in his ass ? When three days prior you told me that you loved me. That you made love to me? Fuck if I knew it would be my last time with you i would have held on tighter. I was gonna ask you to marry me. Had the ring and everything. Fuck I still have it. “ Tony swallowed thickly as he tried to keep the tears in him but was failing miserably as one tear than another fall down his cheek 

“ it just happened.” Steve went to reach out to touch Tony like that would make everything alright. Tony backed away just as Steve’s touches his skin. 

“Yeah he just fall on your dick.... strange how that happens” tony stepped away and was walking away when he turned back with his fist balled and hit Steve hard that on another it would have left bruise. 

“That felt good.” Tony said even if his hand was now throbbing. Steve was bent over holding his left eye in shock and he slowly stood back up.   
“I deserve that.” Steve said as he moved his hand from his eye, yep no bruise. Tony wish that there was at least the world would know how much Steve hurt him. 

“And a lot more. Maybe I should stab you through the heart. And leaving you to wonder where you went wrong ?” 

“Tony.” 

“You keep saying my name like it means something to you. Like you actually loved me.” 

“Tony. I did love you. “

“Did. That the funny thing I still do.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is mostly tony remembering and having some alone time in a supply closet.

\- [ ]  
The very thought of being in the room with Steve both terrified and excited him. He couldn’t stand him and yet was so in love with him that it hurt him to his very core. 

He knew that Steve was his one, his soul mate, knew it the moment his lips meet him that night in the tower. That mission should’ve been a easy one or as until those things came out...Tony thought they looked like giant lizards with a hint of pig in them either way one ended up ripping Tony’s Helmet off and was going in for the kill when suddenly a red white and blue shield took the thing head off tony swears that Steve came in from nowhere.  
That night Steve kept on following tony around like a lost puppy to the kitchen, to the bathroom, well he waited outside, and finally when he was at his lab tony couldn’t take it and asked him what?! “You almost died.” Steve said softly and Tony heart stopped in his chest. Steve was scared and was only following him around to make sure tony was okay. ((Tony misses that Steve the most.)) Tony did the only thing he could think off to reassure Steve that he was alive and okay He kissed him. And that moment Tony knew what it was like where people said there was fireworks and Cupid and all that lovey dovey Shit because Tony felt it. And it was something that he still craved and wanted back.

He didn’t have that Feeling with Pepper sure he loved her and they had this amazing child together. He just didn’t have that feeling that he felt with Steve Hell Today he Brushed up against Tony and Tony nearly melted on the spot. 

Which is why He was currently in the supply closet like a horny teenager hiding during school to get one off. Between seeing Steve shirtless running around the compound and the slight brush of skin as he walked by to yell at the Bunny...Rocket Tony thinks his name was. Tony was worked up and he couldn’t explain Time travel while sporting an hard on.

So here he was in the lock closet with palming his hard on as his mind wonder Back to when things werr great with Steve. To when after Ultron Steve dragged him to a supply closet, hell it could’ve been this very one , and opened him up with fingers so fast that Tony was lifted off the ground and when Steve entered him it burned but a good burn the one where Tony would he feel it later each time he walk and fuck he couldn’t sit for days after.

“Steve.” Tony unbutton his pants and shoved his hands inside not before spitting on them it wasnt the perfect lube but it would do for now. He bite his lip when his hands wrapped around his cock and he slowly pump thinking about that day in the closet. 

“Fuck!” He cried out when he came suddenly and almost violently. Slumping forwards he sighed as his high wore off. He wasn’t with Steve but alone in a supply closet with his hand down his pants. He was in trouble and he sears he can feel his wedding ring burning.


	4. Chapter 4

After what tony did he tried to actively avoid Steve which worked for about three days.   
“If we .....Bruce ? Are you listening ?” Tony snapped his fingers which in this day and age was the coolest thing to do but suddenly Bruce wasn’t paying attention to him. “Earth to bruce ?”

“Sorry. It just Steve wants to get in and He had been trying for like five minutes and I don’t think that it’s me he is looking for.” Bruce pointed behind Tony and slowly tony looked to see Steve on the security feed trying out each and every known number.   
“I thought he had access?”

“He did before he ripped my heart out.” Tony answered truthfully. He couldn’t lie to Bruce not when Brice could always see right through him.

“He got in last week. You two broke up Years ago. “ Bruce asked as Tony turned off the footage in front of him. And turned back to Bruce.   
“Anyway If we .....what? Bruce don’t give me that look. Okay yes I locked him a few days ago. I can’t look at him let alone be in the same room as him. I love him....I haven’t really stopped. Happy?” Tony threw his hands up in the air in defeat. What they were working on long forgotten. 

“ no. I am not happy. Tony even after all this time ? I mean I have had ex’s.” Bruce said reaching out his large green hand towards Tony who really looked like he needed a hug.

“He isn’t Just an ex. I Loved, no, love him more than myself. Only Morgan comes above him. Bruce I wanted to marry him. I brought him this ring. Had in my pocket when Ross told us about the damn accords. .......``Tony sighed loudly tears again filling his eyes. “I was pregnant with his child. “  
Tony hadn’t told anyone about that only he and his doctor knew the truth. It felt good to at least tell someone. Even if he could hear the sadness in Bruce’s gasp.   
“Yep one of the lucky men that can. I knew that I could. And no I wasn’t trying to trap him or any of that shit. I wanted to get pregnant and was gonna surprise him. Even brought a stupid bag and card. That read ‘hi Daddy.’. I brought like six month prior. My stupid ass thought it would be cute. I didn’t know why I didn’t tell him that I was trying or off my birth control. “  
“Tony. What happened to the child?” 

“I didn’t fucking abort it. God. Bruce ! I didn’t hate Steve that much. “ Tony couldn’t believe what his friend was accusing him of. He would had the child if he knew about her. 

“I lost her. I didn’t know I was even pregnant. I wanted to be but didn’t know. “ sighing as he ran his fingers through his hair. He was able to keep the tears at bay at least for the moment. “When I went to Siberia I did it to bring my lover home. I didn’t even care about the accords anyone I just wanted my Steve back. But Bruce Bucky killed my mother. And I couldn’t let him get away with it. What I don’t understand is why Steve took his side? I will never understand that.” 

“He doesn’t know does he ?” 

“I do now.” Steve’s face was pale and he looked like a single touch would topple him over.   
“Steve.” Fuck fuck fuck! Steve was never supposed to know. Tony feelings towards Steve might be towards angry but no one deserved to know like this. Of course Steve could figure out how to get on He knew everything about Tony. Except maybe one big thing. 

“Steve.” 

“Don’t tony. Don’t “ Steve turned on his heel so quickly he was almost a blur. Tony wanted to chase after him buy Bruce’s hand in him prevented him.   
“Give him a minute. “ Bruce said softly as the door slamming literally rattled the compound. And seconds later tony heard a motorcycle taking off into the darkness and once in a long time Tony felt bad for Steve and wanted to hold him in his arms to comfort him. Like he didn’t get with Steve when he found out about their child. He wanted what Steve never gave at least not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Steve knows about the child tony lost.


	5. Chapter 5

Tony could hear the motorcycle tearing down the road as Steve took off to god knows where. At one point Tony could guess where Steve went. Usually it was the gym or when he was really upset back Brooklyn. Tony would drag him back and hold him until Steve return to him. Just as Steve had done so many times for tony. 

They were once the couple Everyone wanted to be. The perfect couple both on and off the fields. There were until Steve messed it up and took the wrong side. Why didn’t he let tony help him? He could have made it right again. To fix it. That’s all tony wanted was to make it right.to have his Steve back in his arms. That’s why he went to Siberia to bring Steve home. 

“Tell me he will be back?” Tony asked Bruce who just nodded and told Tony that he would be back. 

“He’ll be back,” Bruce parroted. Still not   
over the shock of the news he just learnt. 

******  
(( Steve POV ))   
Steve meanwhile was breaking the speed limit three times over. He’d killed his baby. His babies blood on his hands. He was a murderer. His blood ran cold and he stopped in the middle of some back road. 

Overlooking the compound in the distance below the ridge. Pulling his bike off to the side of the road he got off. Stood at the edge. Debating if the fall would kill him. Probably not. A broken bone maybe but the serum would make sure he survived. Unlike his child. 

He looked down at his hands. Tony and him could’ve had a family had they not... he’d Steve not broken them apart.  
*****

“I don’t know what to do . I am still in love with him. I thought I wasn’t. But one looked from him was all it took. I love pepper but not like Steve. I am torn and now I don't know what he is gonna do. You know how he gets when he is upset.” Tony was debating whether or not to chase after Steve and what could it would do. 

Knowing Steve he was probably going fast unaware of just how fast. He didn’t mean for Steve to find out like this no one deserved to be told the way Steve was. Why didn’t tony just let Steve go after Bucky ? Why didn’t he just tear the damn fucking accord up and right now they would have an what seven Year old ? Probably with Steve’s blue eyes. Tony could feel his heart tightening as he thought about his child he would never see. Without thinking he put his hand on his stomach, he never even got to feel her.

“I’ll be in my room .”   
—

Tony was laying in the bed his heart shattered in a thousand pieces. He was confused to his very core he knew he loved Pepper but this strange force was pulling him towards Steve. 

Taking out his phone he pulled up and old number still under ‘love of my life ‘ He didn’t even know why Steve was still under that. He had changed phones many times but the name still stayed the same. Maybe it was because Steve was actually that’ . 

{text love of my life} I don’t know if this is still your number. But please come back. We need to talk and you’ve been gone for days . Steve I’m worried

****  
( Steve ) [text: cute smart ass😍]: I killed our baby. Why are you worried about me?

He stared at the picture. It was their second time at pride. Steve never felt more free and happy than he had been that day with tony. Even if tony had to explain what pansexuality was.   
****

{ text love of my life } Oh thank God this is your number. Steve please I don’t blame you. I threw the first punch. 

Tony wondered if Steve still had that picture of them at pride up. Gay super heroes. The world went nuts in one way or another. Most were happy that they had the likes of them representing them, it didn’t make them feel so alone. Tony remembers reading so many letters and emails thanking them. Tony never felt more proud to be who he as even if his dad tries to beat it out of him. Steve scrolled through his phone till the beginning when he stumbled across a picture of himself leaning against Tony’s chest Nat had snapped the picture with her phone from the couch. She said tony looked so damn vulnerable , she never seen him like that. Tony always puts on a mask to the world. But with Steve it came down immediately . She said once Tony saw Steve his guard went down and That she witnessed tony true self for the first time in Steve’s arms. 

{text the love of my life } remember this ? I do.... come back. I miss ....I miss you 

‘I miss you’ it was sent even before Tony had even realize what he has said. Missed him. Had since the moment the angry faded and he was left with empty arms. He mourned his child alone in his towers crying his eyes out to no one but Friday. Cried until his eyes were swollen and red. He went to Steve’s room finding an old shirt that was thrown in the hammer. He put it on him and could smell Steve. For a second Steve Arms were around him and he was safe. Safe with the man he loved.   
His phone lit up causing Tony to look at the phone, when was the last time the texted like this but Steve’s response was 

[text:]: yeah I do. You had just walked in the door from a week long business trip. You didn’t say anything you just went into my arms. 

[text]: I’ll see if I can make it back by supper.

—  
Tony waited on the steps for Steve to show up. His heart was racing out of his chest. This man still meant everything to him. It ended up being a little after supper when Steve pulled up in his motorcycle he brought Tony a cheeseburger sense he had a feeling he would have skipped supper waiting on him. Tony had a tendency of skipping meals when he was upset and tonight was no different. 

“Here I brought your favorite,” Steve handed the bag toTony , a sad smile on his face and Tony didn’t think he ever seen Steve so broken. A part of him was glad that Steve was finally feeling what tony had been feeling for all this year and yet a bigger part of him wanted to pull Steve into his arms and hold him. To make all the pain go away. 

“Thank you.” Tony said taking the bag from Steve trying to not let it show that brief touch was sending a shock wave through him.   
Steve blinked and sat down on the steps beside tony but with a few feet between them. “Tony... I will never forgive myself... I was an awful boyfriend. I love you but I don’t see how you could ever believe me again.”

Steve was sorry for everything he had done. Tony wanted to hear that for seven years to hear that Steve regretted what he did. And with the tears falling down then blonde face Tony had gotten his answer.

“I’ve forgiven you. Even for ....” he placed his hand on his stomach. He truly had forgiven Steve mostly because both were to blame for it. No one shoulder could carry the burden so Tony did what he had to and forgive Steve. It was the only logical thing to do to keep him sane.   
“One thing I don’t understand. Is why? Why choose him over me? I thought you loved me. And yet you threw me away for him.”  
“Because I am not a smart man. A selfish man. Stubborn. I can’t compromise... or couldn’t. I should’ve chosen you. Bucky hates me for choosing him over you. Said I made the biggest mistake of my life. And I did.” Steve said looking Tony in the eye for the first time, he looked broken and defeated. Like he had lost the best thing in his life.

“I find it hard to believe that Bucky was upset.” Tony said avoiding Steve’s sad eyes. Bucky wanted them broken up so that he could have steve for himself. Hell they fucked in the helicarrier. 

“He was. Believe or not. When we were in Wakanda. He told me that I was a fool for letting you go. And in the Jet. Tony I can’t say that I am sorry because I did it. I fucked Him. “

Tony sighed surprisingly keeping his angry in check even through his mind went to Bucky fucking Steve. His heart dropped when he saw it and even now that hurts more than him losing his child.   
“Why? “

“I don’t know .”

“Then this conversation is over Steve. Have a good life.” Tony stood up and was shocked to feel Steve’s hand reaching out to stop him. “Steve let me go.”  
“I wanted too.” Steve said softly as If he didn’t want to tell him but tony deserved the truth. Tony ripped his arm away Steve and stumbled trying to get away from Steve.  
“Get away from me! Steve I loved you and you tell me because you wanted too. What fucking shit is that? “ 

“Tony! Bucky was the one that I always wanted. And given the chance ...”

“ chance what ? You fucked him?” 

“Tony. It wasn’t like that. I was hyped on adrenaline and i thought that we were done. I was upset. And I wasn’t thinking . I regretted as soon as it was over asked Bucky or better yet you have the footage. Look at it and see what happened. “ Steve threw his hands as soon as stormed away.   
——  
Tony shouldn’t not when his blood was still boiling. ‘He wanted too’ that was Steve excuse for fucking Bucky. But the way Steve said he regretted and to watch the footage. 

Against every fiber in him Tony pulled the footage up and immediately felt sick to his stomach. There he was quiet enjoying himself getting fucked By Bucky. Steve moans could he heard on the speakers of Tony’s computer and tony had to turn off the volume. Was this some sick Joke ? Why would Steve tell him to watch it? 

He couldn’t take anymore and fast toward until the finished and Steve … Steve quickly pulled his uniform up and went to a corner. His head in his hands and a quick zoom saw tears falling down his face. It was Than tony put the volume back up.  
“I .. I cheated on Tony. I let you fuck me. Oh my god I cheated on Tony. “ Steve was sobbing in the corner as Bucky tried to comfort him only to have Steve snack his hand away . “He is never going to forgive me. I …… what did I do?”

Tony shut his computer off and leaned back in his chair, Steve has fucked Bucky but immediately regretted it when he came to his senses. Tony himself had lost his senses when he beat the living shit outta of The man he loved. Was it possible that Steve didn’t have control of his actions? 

—  
Tony knocked on Steve door and true second that Steve opened it. Tony locked eyes with him . “We need to talk.”


End file.
